The headbutt that started it all

A founder story, partly true.

For 14 months, my cat Pringle headbutted the closet door every night at exactly 3:07 AM. Not 3:06. Not 3:08.

I am a vet. I have a doctorate in this. I tried everything: pheromone diffusers, food puzzles, a $90 cat fountain, “enrichment” that consisted of me hiding tuna in toilet paper rolls like a deranged Easter Bunny. Nothing worked.

One night, half-asleep at 3:07 AM, I had a vision: what if every pet behaviorist in the country took my call simultaneously, and we just averaged their answers, and the result of that averaging was a small ball bouncing between five buckets labeled Anxiety, Boredom, Resource-Guarding, Communication, and Medical?

Because that's what the diagnosis really is. It's a probability distribution. It's pachinko.

So I built this. Drop your pet's weird thing in. Watch the ball bounce. The bin it lands in is a starting hypothesis — not the final word, but a real, evidence-based angle to investigate. The 6-card training plan that comes out is the kind of thing I'd hand a client at a $200 consult.

Pringle, by the way, was Communication. She wanted to be let onto the bed. I let her on the bed. The headbutting stopped that night.

— Dr. M.

Pachinko Pets is a tool, not a vet. If your pet is in distress, please contact a real veterinarian. Card #6 in every plan tells you the warning signs.